Today on a sunday when l feel l should worship, l feel defeated. My faith again is questionable.  It is surprising how you feel vulnerable when you are not well. How you question everything from the way one looks at you or speaks to you. You become your own public enemy number one. Especially with a hearing impairement.

My relationship with God keeps a balance to my healing procees. How easy it is for someone to say 'you try, you are not trying, it's like you have given up'. Being a nurse makes me, now feel terrible on how l treated my patients. l can now understand their fraustration as l am walking in their steps.

l wondered why someone could just give up trying. Sometimes, it's the laughing that makes me more annoyed as l haven't queit got what was said. Empathy is what lacks in human beings. l am glad l am walking this road because l will be able to give my testistmony.

Yes, l have faith that it share be well. My faith is an understanding between me and the guy up their. No-one should therefore, tell me how l feel, what l should do and more importantly know what l am going through.

l am 47 years old and never a day have l been in hospital. This year was the first time l was addmitted for 3 weeks. A year l have cried so much within such a short period of time. l could fill 20 buckets of 20 litres from the tears. During this time l have done alot of soul searching. l have a convinate with the man above to be a new me. Illness changes you a 100% because you see things for what they are and you build a sheild around you.

Are the tears that l have cried from the broken me or the pain l am expericeng? Both, l think. Am l angry with GOD for putting me in such a situation? Yes and No| l think he has a reason for putting in this circustances and this is were l need my faith to be stronger than ever. The prayer l pray every day and the faith l have in HIM gives strength and courage to overcome in the worst pain l go through.
 

l cant sleep cause my heart is racing too much.

During long term illness faith becomes a very big question. Most people will say to you 'have faith'. What is faith? l keep asking myself! Does anyone know what l am going through? My pain, which is physical and my mental pain. This being emotions, of all what l am going through. l have had prayer's and used faith as channelling tunnel of my healing process.

As a christian, l have a strong faith that in 'him' l believe it shall be well. It shall be well, l believe is for me   to be able to face another day. l take each day as it comes and just thankful when l see another day.

l diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia which is something l didn't even know exists. This is to do with the central nervous system and reseach shows that 1 in 1000 is inheridatry. Those that are lucky don't have many side effects as l have. l am not trying to trivalise any other sufferer's.

The pain affects the side of my face, pain generating from inside the ear, the jaw and the teeth. lt only lasts for a few seconds but leaves me with tears in my eyes. lt is the worst pain l have experienced. And would not wish even my worst enemy. Believe it when l say, l wouldn't wish it on anyone.

That's when l question my faith? l have lost my hearing in my right ear, the side effects from my medication a long list. Constipation, heart pulptations and when you have a health problem everything in your body just start to shut down.

Memory loss for me is becoming the hardest to cope with. The buzzing sounds in my ears. People taking facing the other side. l am tired now l have to go sleep. l kneel down and pray for my father to give me a peacefull night.