My weight battle

With illness comes the weight. For those that lose it are lucky but to put it on, find it hard to shade off. I have never been a big girl. It has been awkward to try and squeeze into something you feel you will. Weight plays a big part in depression as it makes you turn to something, for comfort. Not until you are thrown into illness, will you realise you are up against so many things. Having a supportive family is the biggest medication for any illness. The miracles, that happen mostly do because our minds are made positive due to our family network.

I have had a lot of bad low days, days that have kept me in bed all day. Stay in doors for days without going out. I have to find ways to keep myself occupied. I ask myself,  'I am not able to do so much for myself'. The most depressing thing is, as one cannot see my illness physically, the look at me with a look that leaves me upset.

Am I suppose to explain to everyone, about what going through. I have been seeing a psychiatrist. I didn't know I had so much hidden that I needed to let out. I couldn't stop and tears just flawed like a tap.

When a sudden death occurs in the family, you are left more shaken and broken than before. Your faith is once more questioned, more so as the person who you have lost is so close to you. You haven't heard of their illness but just to be told there no more. How can it be when they encouraged me to have faith in GOD. To believe and trust in him. It's like you have an anchor to hold to and suddenly, it's broken and you are slipping.

My grief and anger is so huge that I don't know how to express it. The worst thing is when you are so close, you hear their laugh all the time in your heard. You see them when you shut your eyes. This is were you ask again 'WHY ME'. The lord ask, us to have faith. It is the most difficult thing to have and believe in all the time. As in so many ways and times has My faith been rumbled.

This morning, I take my bible and read Hebrews chapter 11: 1 - 2. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good report. It is good to read the whole chapter. I tend to reader through it most of the time when I feel nothing makes sense in life. At this point, I ask the good lord to guide me, help me make it another day. Lift me up once more, as I know I am falling. Wipe my tears and make eyes see clearly, comfort me in my darkest moment. Forgive me for doubting you and remove all evil thoughts in my mind. I ask all this in your son's name jesus christ. Amen

I have been feeling much better these last few days. I can tell by the start of the day. I usually work up at 05:30 am and can't real get going. l will mostly sit and watch T.V and mostly have a bath around lunch time. l can stay in my pajamas until that time. Now, l have a bath as soon as l wake up and get dressed. Go downstairs and have breakfast. Thank you Father, for the secret inner voice that you whisper to me in the night.

l have been asked to lose weight by the doctor's for my heart condition and just for well being. Easier said than done. But l have taken to walking, so l take my granddaughter for walks in the park. She is the best boot camp instructor. She is a year ten months old. l tell you she does not walk, just from the door it's ran, ran. She is on those leash's they have these day's and l get it strapped to me. You get the picture! The energy of this child is so amazing that l get going from 07:00 am. l also, nap when she is napping. She doesn't do crying and always on the go, we dance from 07:00 am until we can go out for a walk. She doesn't like been in door's and wont keep still for a second. So, why pay for the gym when you can get free excise. l am yet to go and get my results tomorrow and will definitely be weighed. So, will see how l have been doing.

Life is complicated in all our lives and it is about finding the balance of what works well with you, within you and the image you send out to others. l have learned a lot during my illness and have accepted so many things that l wasted my energy on stupid things. l think you now have to believe in " being given a second chance in life".
The BIBLE is the mirror of how we all should live our lives as Christians. Doing this is very difficult for all christains as so much is expected of you. However, l have identified and acknowledge the weakness in my soul for me to claim victory in itself. My faith therefore, grows as l day to day live my life for l am indeed growing for the salvation of my soul.

Water as healing therapy:

Water is a very calming therapy and l tend to use it many times as l can. How many time have you heard a friend tell you when you are stressed that "Oh, have a long soak". You will feel much better! But we don't think of the healing power's that water has. Being where l am at the moment has mad me look at all these things that GOD has give us to use in myself healing. l go for long walks, meditates and have rest, because my body can not cope with too much at a time.

l am at the cross road where l feel the medication is too much and l am now reading every small print to see the side-effects. l have to work with my medication and by doing this, l am cutting out much of the pain relief. l am using a lot of alternative therapy like meditation, drinking loads of water, changing my diet. l am finding it more bearable to cope with the pain and actually my skin though still have the rush looks better and the itching isn't that bad. l having being using very strong skin ointimate which has not stopped the itching and still coming out. l was given tablets and a biopsy done but still no results. l will get my results tomorrow and l am waiting for a referal to to the demotologist. l am using what l feel works for me and don't know if it will work for someone else. 

Recently, l had a question about how one should deal with the situation were they are not well and their husband isn't well as well. I sincerely, don't know because l am not in that position. It will be better to work together through the transition and communicate on your condition. l feel it is better because you can share your fears, how fraustrated you are and what next. You can counsel each other and be friends again. Do what you are able to do and don't think it is the end of the world. Just be each other's rock. Re-build your friendship and cut out the negativity of the illness. That is My faith during illness on basing my healing in selfhealing.



FAITH IN SELF HEALING

FAITH IN SELF HEALING has come as a huge new interest to me. l have turned to self healing due to the fraustration l am having from the Doctor's. l can't have an honest answer or they haven't got results yet so, can you come in on another day. l do have a list of things that are really getting me stressed. 

At this point l know l don't need the stress and l have turned to self help. How do l help myself? This is to look at my situation and make use of my own abilities to self help. Meditation, which l learnt through a friend who does holistic therapy. I have also been reading alot on the subject and last night a friend and we got talking. l mentioned about the subject and she recommended l read up on " The Celestian Prophency by James Redfield".  

l therefore, searched the internet on the subject and l believe there is even a film about it. l will look into it and have an understanding on what l am about to learn. It's true when they say "life is a journey and one never stops learning". 

So, this morning l have had the first lesson and have managed to do without having to struggle with the constipation. That is less medication that l have to take daily. It's funny how you woory about opening your bowles. It is a major problem when you are on pain medication. This is a psychological issue, big time that it becomes a must. Things we take for granted when you are well become a necessity in long term illness. Yes, you actually pray to open your bowles. In nursing it is regarded as one of the most important issues in assessing a patient.

Tomorrow the 10th Aug, 2011. l go for my final results. Am l scared? Yes. Wouldn't you? But l have to go and find out if it is skin cancer or not. l have cancelled 2 appointments before and l couldn't do that again.  l have learnt to take each day as it comes. My reactions when l get the results will either be more tears from relief or fear. I have done all l can and l leave all in GOD'S hands.

The last 3 weeks, l have been dreaming of my mother's funeral and me crying with deep emotons. l have woken up crying with tears on my face. l believe it's all the emotions that l have been holding within me. l have been grieving for myself because l cannot speak to anyone with what l am going through. I try to explain my dreams or validate them. Do l really do to? l am taking each day as it comes.

Good or Bad? l will decide that tomorrow. God has given me a chance to embrace life in a different way. To live and face it in a more appreciative manner. l have made a promise to myself that l will from now on, be number one in all l do. Whether, it will be good or bad.

Believe it or not, after the Doctor's l wil go and have a drink to my health. l have had bad times in my life

but this icing of all the bad times. Just one more from, all the one's l am going through; What the hell! That's my FAITH, l ain't dead yet and the beats goes on. In what l do, l sure should have conviction and l have because l know that my back is covered by my LORD. 

This in today's pyschology which is called (positive thinking), l have come to believe in it. In day to day living you read and research more all that is written in the paper's, listen to the news, on the internet and also attend talks on the subject area. So, you know what to expect and deal with the situation as it presents it's self. 

Acceptance of death, illness and failure is very hard to accept to anyone. I think for me it has been easy to accept cause l have alot of time to reflect on my illness. I thought knowing will help me cope easily. I stayed away from everyone because l need to think without alot of pressure from friends and family. I apologise if l haven't returned their call or messages. This is a time for me to grieve for myself, look at my life and family. More importantly, l believe in self healing. By this l mean, alot of rest during the day and night. More like meditation. 

I am managing to deal better with my pain. I do get tired of taking my medication because it does have side-effects. So, l just stop what l am doing, draw the curtains and lie down in the dark. Managing the symptoms makes one cope with the illness better. That is if you are suffering from one illness. The problem is having 2-3 major illness e.g. nerve problems, heart and skin at once,

The joke is, with the heart not everyone can see it and the nerve as-well,  but with the skin, it is the first thing you can see. Saying that, last night on " TheKardashania", Kim has psorasis and she is upset because it clearly showing and she has to do a shooting. Lucky for her she can hide it by applying make-up. l can't, l have to face it.      

Faith which has so many meanings to the word, can only mean to the indiviual on how the understand the meaning. To me, it is a word l believe in personally and as a christian. l use it as guidance to shape my life and a very personal belief that "l will be wll". Strange when you are ill, what comes up in your head.

It's like medication. The word medication can be defined as, any chemical substance intended for use in the medical diagnosis, cure treatment or prevention of disease. So, can medication be the same as faith? Are we sure of the medicines we take during our illness' will heal us? What assurance do we have that will be healed!

Medication is faith, though we never look at it in the same way. We religiously take our medication as prescribed. We never want to miss a dose because we believe it will protect us from whatever, illness we have. Yet to have faith in believing that there is indeed a GOD, becomes a struggle as a human being. We doubt as we cannot see the medication of faith. We want to see it and feel it to believe, it is what the say it is.

Been ill makes you reflect on your life. It's like out of body experience though l have never experienced it. How many times have you woken up in the middle of the night because you have a strange dream? And the dream may come true 2 days later, then you think, oh. You only confirm it to yourself. You want to find out it meant. It becomes a big question without an answer.

Just like illness. You question youself why me? Have you asked yourself why not me? Who but you should be going through this experience? To accept illness becomes a big issue, but through knowing and understanding you illness gives you an upper hand to live a good life. Being positive about your situation gives you the strength to face anything that will come your way.

Some people write in their dairies about their day to day of understanding what they are going through.

Today on a sunday when l feel l should worship, l feel defeated. My faith again is questionable.  It is surprising how you feel vulnerable when you are not well. How you question everything from the way one looks at you or speaks to you. You become your own public enemy number one. Especially with a hearing impairement.

My relationship with God keeps a balance to my healing procees. How easy it is for someone to say 'you try, you are not trying, it's like you have given up'. Being a nurse makes me, now feel terrible on how l treated my patients. l can now understand their fraustration as l am walking in their steps.

l wondered why someone could just give up trying. Sometimes, it's the laughing that makes me more annoyed as l haven't queit got what was said. Empathy is what lacks in human beings. l am glad l am walking this road because l will be able to give my testistmony.

Yes, l have faith that it share be well. My faith is an understanding between me and the guy up their. No-one should therefore, tell me how l feel, what l should do and more importantly know what l am going through.

l am 47 years old and never a day have l been in hospital. This year was the first time l was addmitted for 3 weeks. A year l have cried so much within such a short period of time. l could fill 20 buckets of 20 litres from the tears. During this time l have done alot of soul searching. l have a convinate with the man above to be a new me. Illness changes you a 100% because you see things for what they are and you build a sheild around you.

Are the tears that l have cried from the broken me or the pain l am expericeng? Both, l think. Am l angry with GOD for putting me in such a situation? Yes and No| l think he has a reason for putting in this circustances and this is were l need my faith to be stronger than ever. The prayer l pray every day and the faith l have in HIM gives strength and courage to overcome in the worst pain l go through.